By: Elizabeth Vaz, Esq.

Date: July 15, 2025

Is Collaborative Divorce the answer to avoiding a messy court battle? Discover the five key indicators that this comprehensive approach might be the right fit, for your situation.

When Alex and Morgan decided to divorce after 12 years of marriage, their friends and family had plenty of advice: "Get the meanest lawyer you can find." "Hide your assets." "Prepare for war." But Alex and Morgan kept coming back to the same realization- they loved their children and they couldn't stomach the idea of traumatizing them with a custody battle. That's when they explored the Collaborative Divorce Model —a process that allowed them to finalize their divorce in mere months instead of two (plus) years, spend $20,000 total instead of $50,000 each, and maintain a healthy co-parenting relationship.

Their story isn't unique. Thousands of couples are choosing Collaborative Divorce over traditional litigation. And while this process may not be the right fit for everyone, it truly can benefit most families. Here we will go over five clear signs that Collaborative Divorce might be exactly what your family needs.

What Is Collaborative Divorce?

Before diving into the signs, let's clarify what Collaborative Divorce actually is. Unlike traditional divorce litigation, where spouses hire lawyers trained to fight each other in court, Collaborative Divorce involves both parties working together with specially trained professionals to reach mutually beneficial agreements.

The Collaborative Divorce team typically includes:

• A Collaborative attorney for each spouse

• A financial neutral (can be a CDFA or a CPA or other financial expert)

• A family specialist or facilitator/coach

• Child specialists when children are involved

  
  

Instead of battling in a courtroom, couples work together in private settings to solve problems and create agreements that work for their unique family situation.

Sign #1: You Both Want What's Best for Your Kids

The Question That Predicts Success: If your ex proposed a solution that was great for your kids but mildly inconvenient for you, would you consider it?

If you answered yes, you're already ahead of most divorcing couples.

The foundation of Collaborative Divorce is putting children's wellbeing first. This doesn't mean you have to be best friends with your ex, but it does mean you're both willing to prioritize your children's needs over your own desire for revenge or convenience.

In a Collaborative Divorce, you're not fighting over custody—you're designing a parenting plan that works for everyone. You'll work with child specialists who help you understand how to communicate difficult news to your children and create schedules that support their emotional and developmental needs.

Sign #2: You'd Rather Split Assets Fairly Than Fight for Every Penny

The Hidden Cost of Financial Warfare: The average litigated divorce costs over $80,000 and takes over 2 or 3 years to reach conclusion. But here's what most people don't realize—couples who fight over money often destroy the very assets they're fighting about.

I've seen people spend $30,000 in legal fees fighting over a $40,000 retirement account. The math doesn't make sense, but emotions rarely do and we know that all financial decisions are emotional.

In Collaborative Divorce, you work with a a specially trained financial neutral whose only job is to help you figure out exactly what you have, exactly what you need and then assist you with dividing the assets fairly and efficiently. Instead of hiding assets from each other, you share financial information openly. Instead of fighting over the house, you explore creative solutions like one person buying out the other or selling and splitting the proceeds.

Sign #3: You Value Privacy and Want to Keep Personal Business Out of Public Records

Here's something most people don't realize: everything that happens in divorce court becomes public record. Every argument, every embarrassing detail, every financial mistake—it's all available for anyone in the very public Courthouse to hear and it is available via transcripts for you to read.

Your neighbors, your boss, your kids' friends' parents—they can all have a front row to your divorce action in Court. For many people, this public exposure adds unnecessary stress to an already difficult situation.

Collaborative Divorce happens in private. Your agreements are confidential. Your personal details stay personal- and so do the details of your children. And if you're a business owner, teacher, or public figure, this privacy protection can be invaluable for protecting your professional reputation.

Sign #4: You're Willing to Learn Better Communication Skills

Let's be honest—if you're getting divorced, communication has probably broken down by this point. That's normal. But the question is: are you willing to learn new ways to communicate, or do you want to let lawyers do all the talking?

In Collaborative Divorce, you work with the facilitator/coach to focus on your communication skills which you'll use for the rest of your co-parenting relationship. Not only will this help with the co-parenting relationship but it will help you to be a better communicator in your outside world too- maybe even your job notices.

You will learn to:

• Disagree without attacking

• Focus on solutions instead of blame

• Have difficult conversations without them becoming fights

• Set healthy boundaries

• Make joint decisions about your children

  
  

The Long-Term Benefit: Couples who go through Collaborative Divorce often communicate better after their divorce than they did during their marriage. They have tools for handling conflict, setting boundaries, and making decisions together. Their children benefit from this improved communication for decades.

Sign #5: You Want to Control Your Own Destiny

In traditional divorce, you spend months preparing for a 15-30 minute hearing where a judge who doesn't know you makes decisions about your kids, your money, and your life.

Think about that for a moment. You never get to tell your story in any meaningful way and, in the end, a stranger decides:

• How much time you get with your children

• Who gets the house you've lived in for years

• How your retirement savings are divided

• Whether you pay or receive spousal support

  
  

In Collaborative Divorce, you and your spouse make all these decisions together, with professional guidance. You know your children better than any judge. You know your financial situation better than any court. You know what will work for your family better than someone who meets you for the first time on your court date.

Empowerment in Action: Instead of hoping a judge will see things your way, you work directly with your spouse to create solutions that work for your unique situation. You maintain control over your timeline, your agreements, and your future. This may not be easy but it is extremely important to remember how empowering it can be to create your own future, even if you have to give a little.

When Collaborative Divorce Won't Work: The Reality Check

Before you get too excited about Collaborative Divorce, let me give you the honest truth about when it may NOT be the right choice:

Collaborative divorce doesn't work when:

• There's ongoing domestic violence or abuse AND you do not feel safe to participate in the process. I will say that the Collaborative Divorce process can work, even with active intimate partner violence, so long as both parties are willing to comply with the rules set out by the team.

• One spouse is hiding assets or lying about finances and refuses to cooperate.

• One person is only participating to manipulate or delay the process.

• Your primary goal is punishment rather than problem-solving.

• There's active substance abuse that affects decision-making.

• One party refuses to participate in good faith.

  
  

Collaborative Divorce requires honesty, transparency, and a genuine commitment to finding mutually beneficial solutions. If these elements aren't present, traditional litigation is definitely not your only option.

The Bottom Line: What Kind of Divorced Person Do You Want to Be?

Collaborative Divorce isn't easier than traditional divorce—it requires courage, honesty, and hard work. But it's typically faster, costs less money, and is more effective at preserving relationships and protecting children.

The question isn't whether Collaborative Divorce is perfect. The question is: what kind of divorced person do you want to be? Someone who fought and "won"? Or someone who problem-solved and thrived?

If you recognized yourself in these five signs, Collaborative Divorce could be the best decision you make during this difficult time. Your divorce doesn't have to be a war. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is choose peace- for you and for your entire family.

Next Steps: Finding the Right Collaborative Divorce Attorney

If you're thinking Collaborative Divorce might be right for you, here's what you need to do next:

1. Find a trained Collaborative Divorce attorney in your area. Not all family lawyers are trained in Collaborative Divorce, or they say that they are but... guess again. So you need to specifically look for someone with Collaborative training and ask the pointed questions about their value system in the Collaborative Model.

2. Interview potential attorneys about their Collaborative experience and philosophy. Ask about their success rate and how they handle cases where Collaboration breaks down.

3. Discuss the process with your spouse. Both parties need to commit to the Collaborative process for it to work effectively.

4. Prepare financially for the process. While Collaborative divorce is typically less expensive than litigation, you'll still need to budget for attorney fees, neutral professionals, and other costs.

5. Set realistic expectations. Collaborative divorce is designed to be more peaceful, but it still involves difficult conversations and tough decisions.

   
   

Remember, choosing Collaborative Divorce is choosing to prioritize your family's future over past grievances. It's choosing solutions over battles. And for the right couples, it's choosing the path that leads to healing rather than destruction.

Disclaimer: This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. Always consult with a qualified attorney for guidance specific to your situation.