Divorcing the 'Narcissist': Why Early Awareness Could Save You Years of Emotional Damage

By: Elizabeth Vaz, Esq.

Date: June 14, 2025

When we think of divorce, we often picture two people simply growing apart. Or we imagine a couple yelling at each other and both being so angry, they can no longer live together. But for many women, the story is more subtle, more painful, more complex — and perhaps far more dangerous to ignore. If your partner shows signs of narcissistic tendencies, the time to pay attention isn’t during the divorce... it’s long before. Because by the time you're in the courtroom (or even in a negotiation), the damage may already be done. (We use the word 'narcissist' here as a commonly used, catchall phrase, as the actual diagnosis for Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a complex topic)

Let’s talk about the red flags — the ones that are easy to dismiss in the beginning, but which behaviors become toxic when power and control start to define the relationship.

1. Charm Turns Controlling — And You Don’t Even Realize It:

In the early stages, narcissistic partners often appear attentive, charismatic, and even adoring. There is often that "love-bombing" stage where they shower you with attention and gifts, because you are their "everything." But soon, the same charm becomes a mask for manipulation:

• They start rewriting reality, questioning your version of events (a tactic called gaslighting). Do not fall for this and do not question your own truth. There are times when your partner will stop at nothing to ensure your reality is untrustworthy.

• They need constant admiration but offer little in return. The constant need for attention, or validation or for you to help them regulate their emotions when they don't get their way, can be downright exhausting.

• They isolate you — from friends, family, or support networks — under the guise of “protecting the relationship.” This is a deliberate attempt to ensure you feel like you have nowhere to turn when they inevitably turn against you.

  
  

By the time the relationship sours, this "partner" has already set the stage to discredit you, confuse you, and control the narrative.

2. Conflict Is a Tool — Not a Problem to Solve:

In healthy relationships, conflict is something you work through together. Even if it's hard- and it is hard- a healthy relationship can withstand the tough times by seeing a therapist, having the hard conversations and setting healthy boundaries that work for both people in the relationship. However, in narcissistic relationships, conflict can easily become a tool for control. Instead of having a conversation with you about the issues, the narcissist may:

• Escalate arguments to wear you down. Even if the issues seems small to you, they will make it a much larger issue so that you "give in" because it's not that big a deal.

• Use silence or rage to punish you. Using the silent treatment or that explosive temper, to keep you in line after you did something "wrong" is really just a narcissist's failure to regulate their own emotions, so they turn this against you.

• Turn any concern you raise into an attack on them. Flipping the narrative is a favorite tactic of the narcissistic partner. Making it seem like you are coming after them, ensures that they appear to be the victim and you the offender. This is a classic DARVO move (deny, attack, reverse the victim and offender).

  
  

This behavior doesn’t just make marriage hard — it makes leaving dangerous. Narcissistic partners often don’t handle rejection or loss of control well. That’s why many women are shocked when the worst behavior starts after they say they want a divorce. Being aware that the situation could get worse if you use the "D" word is very important.

3. The Courtroom Isn’t a Safe Haven — It’s a Stage:

Women often enter divorce hoping the court will finally offer protection, fairness, and truth. I say it all the time; what we expect from the court system and what we receive are two very different things. Here’s the hard truth:

The Court is not equipped to handle narcissistic (or high-conflict) abuse.

• Narcissists often appear calm and composed in legal settings, while survivors are exhausted, emotional, and reactive — which can be used against them. These abusive partners are very calculating in the way that they ensure they are seen as rational and calm and even so that they are perceived as the "perfect" parent. This court setting is their stage and they are the star of the show.

• They may weaponize custody or finances to drag the process out, drain resources, and maintain control. An abusive partner wants to win at any costs and if they know you are already emotionally exhausted, they will use the finances to double-whammy you and exhaust your bank account too. Wasting money is not a concern of theirs because the "cost" of watching you lose may be worth it to them.

• The system rewards evidence, not subtle emotional abuse — which is difficult to prove but deeply damaging. Unfortunately, the Court will not likely consider the emotional trauma you have been through without hard evidence. And, even with said "evidence," there is, far too often, a dismissive attitude from the Court personnel and the judge about this behavior. The Court is not equipped to handle this type of abusive situation nor make solid decisions about same.

  
  

So What Can You Do?

Awareness is your superpower. If you’re beginning to notice a pattern of narcissistic behavior, even early on in the relations- and ESPECIALLY early on- here’s what we encourage:

1. Start documenting now. Keep records of interactions, especially those involving gaslighting, threats, or manipulation. Wrote down dates, times, exactly who was there and exactly what was said. Do not wait until later to document these things because your memory is never as sharp as when the incident occurs.

2. Build a quiet support team. A therapist, a legal coach, a friend who gets it. You’re going to need them and perhaps sooner than you realize. And, just as you should be documenting any signs of abuse as it occurs, you should also be telling that friend or that therapist. All documentation, as it actually happens, is very important.

3. Understand your legal options before you need them. Stay informed, especially about court alternatives that protect your peace — like Collaborative Divorce or mediation (with strong safeguards in place). Knowledge is power and without the right information, you can be left scrambling to figure it out later.

   
   

Final Thoughts:

It’s easy to think “It’s not that bad” — until it is. And this shift may occur quickly and seemingly unexpectedly. And although the narcissist's behavior doesn't usually explode overnight, as there is a pattern of them eroding your confidence slowly, systematically and without leaving any physical bruises, there could certainly be an unexpected explosion of anger.

If you feel like you’re walking on eggshells, being made to question your sanity, or constantly trying to please someone who’s never satisfied — don’t wait for the divorce papers to realize you deserve better. Learn the signs even early on in your relationship. These patters DO NOT go away on their own. Make your plan. And know that moving forward doesn’t make you weak — it makes you free.

Need Support?

At Divorce Den, we empower women with tools, knowledge, and attorney-developed guidance to help you safely and strategically exit toxic marriages. Our flagship Divorce Den Blueprint was created with you in mind — because court shouldn't be the only way out, especially when you’re facing someone who thrives on conflict. And while the Divorce Den Blueprint program may not be the right fit for everyone, checking out the information on the YouTube channel, Divorce Den, may be worth looking into.

Download our Free Narcissist Red Flag Checklist (Downloadable Guides) for some insights into patterns of your toxic partner. Do not wait until you have "given it a chance" when it comes to any toxic or abusive behavior. If it is bad now, this will only get worse so protect yourself.